The Farewell
by Coesius
Summary: Sometimes one has no chance. Sometimes it is just too late. Sometimes a memorable farewell is all there can be. Sometimes not... SnapeLily Please read and review...
1. Chapter1

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Disclaimer: Everything except the plot is J.K. Rowling's. I get no money out of this (heh as if!). So there, don't sue. Empty coke cans are all you can get from me anyway.

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A/N: Ok, I know I should be a good girl and finish my other stories before starting a new one but this just demanded to be written. It'll be approximately three chapters and I am planning a sequel. 

Thanks to DrusillaDax for beta and general encouragement; you are the best, dear!! Please review, they mean a lot to me and they really help me improve. Thanks! 

Now, on with the story... 

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The Farewell

by Coesius

"Severus..."

Damn... Damn, damn, damn, _damn_! Not this, not now. God, please, no. It had almost been allright. 

He had almost regained a routine of some sort. The Mark burning; wear the Mask, apparate to His meetings, get as much information as you can while staying alive, apparate back to the Manor, activate the unspottable spells, apparate to Dumbledore's office, report, go back home and stay out of depression long enough to answer the next call. It had almost been allright. He had almost learnt to stand it. His heart had been safely locked away and now this... He _felt _it start bleeding again and this time he didn't think he could survive it. Not again. God, he must run away...

But transfixed by those familiar green eyes that haunted his dreams, he could do nothing but stare. Just blankly stare. She stood at the top of the moving stairs leading to Dumbledore's office and he stood just outside the office, having just given his report of the last meeting. The silence grew heavy and he felt its pressure squeezing his very being.

She stared on, her eyes now shining with hope and tenderness now that she was over the initial shock. A very slight smile lit up her face, she had known he would return. He hadn't belonged to them. 

"Lily..." He choked out. 

Damn, he couldn't stand this one more second. He shouldn't have seen her again, ever. He swept past her and down the stairs with hurried steps. He ran through the Hogwarts grounds as if some kind of wild beast was at his heels. As soon as he crossed the apparation barrier, he released a breath he hadn't noticed he had been holding and apparated away. Anywhere but away from her...

And _she _was a jumble of feelings. Joy, pride, fear, confusion, sorrow, dissappointment,.....love? She looked at her wedding ring, a sign of her bond to James. No, she was over that. She was over him, the dark mystery that had dominated her last years of Hogwarts and made her happier than she ever had been. She was, wasn't she?

"Come on in, dear girl."

Albus Dumbledore, with a sorrowful twinkle in his eyes, held the door for her. She wanted answers. 


	2. Chapter2

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Disclaimer: God knows I am tired of writing these disclaimers again and again in every fic but just in case some crazed person is going around checking each fic to see if there is a disclaimer or not; I assure you that everything except the plot (about which I choose to leave the comments to you), is not mine but The Great J.K Rowling's and other copyright holders' such as Bloomsbury and Scholastic. So, it does seem rather senseless to sue now, doesn't it? Alright, if it is in any way possible to be babbling in the disclaimer, well dears- here I am doing exactly that. If you have read up to here, Snickers to all of you and no lame pun intended... Ok, to keep what little is left of my so-called dignity, I will gracefully shut up. You wanted a disclaimer? You got it... **mwahmwahhahahaa etc.** 

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A/N: After 'that' disclaimer which by the way came about as an aftereffect of too much coke (as in Coca-Cola not cocaine, mind you), I will try not to talk too much before going on with the fic. Again, thanks to Dru for her support- it was much needed after getting only three reviews as that was the least I ever got; but I insist to continue with this story, I like it too much to be put off by you, my dear readers.

So, here we go...

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The Farewell

by Coesius

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Chapter-2

Tears were silently making their way down her cheeks as she slowly walked through the Hogwarts grounds towards Hogsmeade. The information she had just learnt lay heavy on her heart, painful and yet relieving. If only she had known. Then what? Could she have done anything? She did not know. The more pressing question was what she would do now. She looked up, only to see a small hill overlooking Hogsmeade. The hill. Theirs. She walked up, curious to see if _it_ was still there. Reaching the top of the hill, the familiar beautiful view made her smile through her tears. She turned towards the ancient tree on her left and ran her hand over its rough surface. There it was. S and L, their initials. Severus' voice sounded in her mind.

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"I refuse to have my initial carved on a tree like some sentimental fool and that is that," he said resolutely, his chin raised in dignity. He was leaning on the tree opposite the one she was working on, looking at her down his nose.

"Too bad it is almost done." she replied, patting his leg dismissively, yet fondly. She was kneeling by the tree, her eyes fixed on the knife she was using. She peered up for a second only to see him lost in thought, staring at her. His eyes shone with love despite the gruffness of his posture. That told her all she needed to know.

"I still can not believe you are doing something so disgustingly romantic and sweet. Not to mention so Muggle. Besides why you insist on doing it this way, I don't know. Do it with magic at least, if you must. " he said, his voice low and drawling in distain as she finished the horizontal line of the letter L.

"Because doing it with magic would spoil the fun of it," she answered bossily. "Deal with it, Snape. I've always wanted to do this since I saw all the initials carved on the tree in the park near our house when I was seven or so. And you will not stop me."

So Severus had sighed and let her be. "I can always erase it with magic anyway," he had said. 

But he never had.

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It had started small. A glance across the tables in the Great Hall. Shoulders brushing in the corridors. A nod of grudging respect as both spent nights in the library long after everyone else had gone back to their dormitories to sleep. Curt comments as they were made lab partners in Potions as a result of the Professor's illusions of truce between Gryffindor and Slytherin after ages of rivalry. A forced greeting, realizing that the other shared a passion for reading and learning that both had yet to see in any other. Sharing tables in the library as an instinctive attempt of tuning out the loneliness during long nights of studying. Soon after, remarks about what the other is reading which later evolved into full conversations resulting with both of them forgetting about time. Hours of intellectual companionship and a reluctant friendship. One   
that neither had ever experienced and both desperately needed. She had Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew. He had Malfoy, Wilkes and Rosier. But neither was quite accepted, neither really belonged. Both had identities set for them and both sought a way out, though neither was yet aware. She was Potter's so-called-girlfriend, sweet and innocent. He was the future Death Eater, sly and cruel. With each other, they soon found out they could be just Lily and Severus.

So, it wasn't that surprising how they had ended up in a passionate embrace between the stacks of books in the library, their lips one.

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"Now, that was unexpected," she said softly, parting the kiss, her lips glowing red. She placed her head on his shoulder, his arms around her.

"But inevitable," he sighed, this added a new dimension to his problems.

"Overwhelming," she added, slightly moving her head so that she could kiss the vein pulsing on his thin neck.

"I think I like you, Ms. Evans," he said, still managing the superior and sarcastic voice despite being out of breath as her lips burned on his neck.

She snorted and raised her head. "You are most generous, Mr.Snape," she replied in a tone just as superior. "Gods help me, I think I like you, too."

He smiled. Not sneered, smirked or grinned cruelly, but really smiled. The transformation of his face, the light dawning in his eyes scared her. It scared her how he could change and how it was her that had caused it. Trembling with something more than fear, she kissed him again. Now that the paralyzing shock of the first kiss was gone, they both reveled in the sweetness of the sensation.

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That year, their sixth, had been heaven for both. The world had faded out as they had found a soaring freedom in each other. Their relationship was no secret but both treasured privacy. Prejudices were overcome, both too deeply engrossed in each other to feel their weight. Oh, they did have their arguments and neither had any romantic illusions about each other. Lily would be frustrated with Severus' obstinacy and Severus with Lily's too Gryffindor mindset but nothing stopped the current of emotions coursing through them each time they even barely glanced at each other. Even the eventual familiarity did not dull their passion. 

But as cliché as it may sound, Lily was soon forced to face the reality. James and the others she had dealt with using the old 'this-is-my-life-and-I-intend-to-live-it-my-way-with-whomever-I-want' routine. But things were a lot more grave and dark. That summer after the sixth year something changed. When she met him again on the fist day of their last year at Hogwarts, he had grown withdrawn, he always had been withdrawn but not with her, and much more silent. He was no longer lean and pale but thin as a skeleton and a sickly yellow tinge on his skin made him look lifeless. He would sometimes tune the world out and just stare. At those times she longed to read his mind.

Sometimes, she would find herself so tightly held by him, so desperately kissed senseless that she would feel as if she had become his only anchor in a storm and he was fast drowning. And sometimes when he thought she wasn't looking, he would look at her with eyes so intensely packed with emotion: sorrow, desperation and a strange longing that she would feel as if he was saying goodbye. It scared her but that wasn't new; his enigma, shadow and cold wit had always scared her as the ocean would scare a person with its boundlessness and depth. And she loved that, she loved his complexity. But this fear was different, it squeezed her heart empty and left it cold. She would wonder about the longing in his eyes. What did he long for so desperately? She'd wish she knew and then she would have done anything to erase that longing from his eyes. 

But he didn't talk as he did in the beginning. She was weary and James would tell her that this relationship was bad for her, proving it by her reflection in the mirror. But she would not give Severus up. She would fight because this wasn't some childish infatuation, she knew. This was the love that so many died without even having come near it. She loved him. And the joy that filled her heart as, despite everything, he still whispered in that dreamily deep voice of his that he loved her just as much and even more was worth all the pain and cold in the world.

She had soon found out that it wasn't enough. 

**A/N:** As angsty as it is, it is a love story and there has to be some sentimentality, folks. I am struggling to keep it at the right level and I'd really appreciate comments & criticism about how well I am managing at keeping the emotions honest and not exaggerated. Thank you!! 


	3. Chapter3

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Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. I am not making any money from this. So, there is no reason to sue me. There- Hah.

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A/N: The story was originally going to be three chapters but it seems like it will be longer than that, maybe one or two more chapters- we'll see.

I still don't have enough reviews. The last chapter got only one. I am pretty depressed about that but again, I like this story too much to be put off by you. Come on guys, it is not that bad. Even if it is- tell me! So, review… please? (Yes I am shamelessly begging for reviews. So what? I am too depressed to care now.) Heh, even flames are welcome at this point.

Well, at least I still have Dru. Thanks, dear!

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The Farewell

by Coesius

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Chapter-3

_Tear streaming down her face, she ran out of the Great Hall after him. Did he really think she was that stupid to believe all he had said after the deep love they had shared? She knew their relationship had not been some ploy of his to get inside information about the Marauders as he had claimed before. Malfoy. It was his doing. Severus never raised his voice when they fought, he didn't need to. He had done it this time so that Malfoy would hear they had split. It was so clear to her now, all his words that broke her. All to please Malfoy and his goons. All to prove them his… his loyalty. And that… the fact that he would hurt her willingly to accomplish such a thing hurt her more than his cruel words could ever have._

There he was, up on their hill. It was impossible to miss his thin silhouette as the moon shone on him. He sat down, his back leaning on a tree, the tree that bore their initials. She dried her tears with one swipe of her hand and purposefully walked up to him. She had to have this last talk with him before he was out of her life forever, before their graduation that was only a month away. 

"Why Severus?" she asked, her voice calm and quiet. 

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Even after so much time he could still hear her voice. It was so composed, so rational that he had hated her for a second. She had just wanted to understand. Her eyes had been full of disappointment and he had looked away.

_He couldn't take this. He wanted to shake her and shout in her face that he had just cursed, insulted and hurt her in the worst possible way by breaking up with her in front of the whole school by telling her he had used him. Where was her rage, her hate? _

""Why Severus? Why them? What have they got to give you that I didn't, that I can not?" she asked again, still with that infuriating tone.

He wanted to tell her so much. To tell her how it had to end, how there was no way they could be together. He was too tainted, too deep into the dark to just run away and forget everything. There was nothing to run away from, it wasn't some outside force for him as it was for her. The dark was branded in his very heart and soul and there was no running away from himself. He would only pull Lily into it, only hurt her more. The dark was where he was bound and even Love wasn't enough to free him. But he couldn't tell her; not now, not ever. She wouldn't understand, she would argue with him and that wouldn't solve anything. It was ok, he hoped she would never have to come close enough to the dark to understand him. "Let her be with Potter, leave her where she belongs," he told his tempted heart. "Don't ruin her, Severus; don't ruin her like you ruined yourself," 

He swallowed and looked up at her. "You can not even begin to understand, Evans. You wouldn't want to. So just let it be," he said, his voice low in a heated whisper.

"You didn't really think I wouldn't see through your act in the Great Hall, did you? You couldn't have underestimated me that much." she said, more emotion in her voice now. She was getting angry. Good, let her be angry. Let her hate me. It will make it all easier.

"I had hoped. And even if you did see through it, I had hoped you would at least be smart enough to get the message and not come and try to have this talk we are having right now." he said in an exasperated voice. It took all his acting skill to not beg her to leave and end this.

She sighed. "I loved you, Severus. Just know that. We could have been happy. I wish it didn't have to end like this but if that is what you want." she shrugged. "But let me tell you something. You are making a mistake you will regret. There is still a chance for you to escape from them and you are willingly throwing it away. You don't belong with them, Severus. No matter how much you may want to, as it might have made your life easier, you just don't belong with them. You won't be happy or satisfied with them and you will want to get away. I know it, Severus. You may deny this but I know you, possibly better than anyone. Let's just hope that it won't be too late." she said. "Goodbye, Sev."

He wanted so much to believe that she was right, that he could still escape but he knew it wasn't true. She didn't know what had happened over the summer, she didn't know how nothing could save him now. "Goodbye, Lilly" he said . It probably was giving away too much but he didn't care. He had to at least say a decent goodbye to set his heart at rest to be safely locked away. 

She smiled sadly and kissed him. Before he could process what she had done, she turned away and ran down the hill towards the main entrance of the school. He stared behind her until she disappeared into the huge castle, the last -the only- ray of light in his life being swallowed by the darkness of the night.

But she had been right. The brand on his forearm had started to suffocate him in a short while. He hadn't been able to take it after two years of blood-stained nights. Even the potionmaking that he loved so much was meant to hurt, to kill. He had soon risen up to the innermost circle of the Death Eaters of Voldemort as his most favored strategist and his talented potions master. He had achieved everything a dark wizard could ever want; power, money, a frightful reputation and the Dark Lord's favor when a look at the mirror into the realm of Despair had told him all he needed to know. So he had found himself in Dumbledore's office, ready to be handed over to the Dementors. But Dumbledore hadn't been that merciful. He had seen, perhaps always had, what Lily had seen in him and did not hesitate to trust him with not only his but also hundreds of other people's lives. 

And so had begun his never-ending striving for some sort of atonement for his sins. He would settle for at least winning his sanity and peace of mind back but as the sleepless nights spent in fear of bloody nightmares told him; that was a long way away or perhaps impossible. But he would do all he could to make any difference. He no longer cared to live, he did not deserve to. There was only his purpose and the need to survive to accomplish all he can of it. And in his basic life of survival, Lily's eyes had once again pierced through him, reminding him of a life he ached for. But to deserve her especially now, after knowing that even in his school years he never had deserved her, was impossible. 

As he sat on the floor of his flat in London, his head between his knees and his arms hanging limply from his sides, he no longer needed the mirrors to look into the realm of Despair for his very eyes were now windows into that realm now so familiar for him. The room was completely dark and the only sound that could be heard was his harsh breathing. Through the windows he looked up to see the gray sky. Would Dumbledore tell her what he couldn't? Would he tell her how they would have killed her if she stayed with him? How he now spied for the Light, how he had been branded that summer before the seventh year, how that summer he had killed three people and how he had hid the Mark from her by Concealment charms. How he still loved her. And how he could never, should never have her. 

He was shaken out of his thoughts by the doorbell. He just kept on staring ahead, not making a move to get up. He wasn't in a condition to face anyone now. But the person outside his door was too persistant and he finally got up after the fourth ring. Very much unlike his normal self, he opened the door without taking out his wand or even checking who it was. He looked up at the person standing in the doorway in annoyance and was met with clear green eyes that stared into his dark ones from the face permanently branded in his mind. And heart. 

Lily. 


	4. Chapter4

**Disclaimer: **All you recognize is JKR's. I, sadly, do not own Severus. I couldn't care less about not owning Lily. Don't mind, me- I'm just jealous.

**A/N:** God, it's been quite some time, hasn't it? I apologize for taking so long to update. Strange, just when I do decide to update, it is when I have to write a final paper for a philosophy course I took this summer. I really have to go and work, now. Enjoy this chapter, it is very intense and occasionally sappy but I loved writing it. Not beta-ed, I couldn't wait to post this. I just hope that there aren't too many mistakes.

          Feel free to review and tell me that is sucked. (Or even better, tell me you liked it!!) ****

**                                      The Farewell**

                                                          By Coesius

**Chapter-4**

His face was cold and closed, a visage carved into granite, and he stood there frighteningly still, burning a hole through her forehead with his intense obsidian gaze. 

"Aren't you going to let me in?" she asked, her voice a pained whisper. Her green eyes were wide and held a sorrow in them that broke his heart. No, he had to be strong.

He stepped aside and opened the door wider to let her in. She walked inside with small hesitant steps. There was no light lit inside; only the grayish glow of the sky before rain, which gave the sparsely furnished living room an eerie white sheen. She stood beside the sofa before the large windows. The flat had a strange desolate look; no pictures on the walls, nothing decorative, nothing personal. Just the basic needs, enough to make it practical. She shuddered.

"Nice house," she said. "Dark and dreary." Not a great way to start a conversation, but anything was better than that silence chilling her to the core.

"I hardly think you came here to criticize my decoration skills," he answered coldly. 

"No, you are right, I didn't." she said. Now that she was here, she couldn't find anything to say.

"Then _why_ are you here?" he said, his eyes hard and his voice as devoid of emotion as ever. There he was, standing by the door, as if waiting to throw her out any moment. His arms were crossed and his back painfully straight. She sighed. Now that he had asked, she realized that she didn't know either. 

"I honestly don't know," she said, looking up at him with desperation in her eyes. But he didn't move an inch; he just kept on staring right through her. "I talked with Albus after… you know. Well, he told me… how you had come back to the Light and that you were working with us now." she said, hesitating at each word. "And I just…" she shrugged.

"Oh, so that's why you are here. To brag about how you had been right. To say that you had told me so. And give me a pat on the back while you are at it." he said, all pretense of indifference and composure now gone. " 'Good job, Severus. I am proud of you- I knew you could do it', " he mimicked her voice. While talking, he had taken a step closer to her, making wild gestures with his arms and his face twisted in rage.

"No!" she cried in horror. "You are being unfair, you know that is not why I am here!"

"Then why _are_ you here?" he shouted. "What the hell do you want from me?" He had totally lost control now. He wanted her to go, to go away and not bother him. He couldn't afford to see her anymore; he couldn't afford to remember how much he… No! This was not happening! He walked towards the window, looking at the city outside. He waited for his breathing to slow down. He had to calm down.

"I… I didn't think. I just had to come here, had to see you after I talked with Albus." she said, her voice again down to a strangled whisper. He turned away from the window and their eyes locked across the room. The tension in the room was worse than ever and she sighed. "I missed you, Severus."

"And that solves everything, doesn't it? You missed me? Ha! That's rich! You _missed_ me. What do expect me to do now? Take you in my arms and confess my undying love for you?" he burst out. She would not fool him again. "The boy you knew is no more, Lily. He is dead. I have seen so much, done so many unspeakable things…" he paused, his throat constricting. "Me coming back means nothing. You won't find what you are looking for here."

"You are still so blind Severus. The same blindness that led you to Him still binds you."

"Do not presume to know what led me to Him! You don't know anything about me!"

"No. No- you didn't let me, did you? But I still know you better than you think Severus. I say you are blind and that's what you are. You look into the mirror and all you think is how you're not worthy! Just like you did when we were together. You spoke of love and never really understood what you were saying, what love entailed," she stopped to draw in a breath and then continued, her voice rising. 

"I loved you Severus, with all your faults and your pettiness at times. I loved you and you drove me away. I would have been there for you, if you had just gotten your head out of the sand and had reached out. But you don't do that, do you? Now you think the boy I loved is dead. Strange, because I seem to be looking at him right now," she looked at him with such feeling that he felt like he was drowning. He opened his mouth to object; she couldn't thrust aside those years with the Death Eaters like that. But beating him to it, she went on, "I don't deny that you have gone through a lot, God knows so have I. But I look at your eyes and no matter what you say; it is my Severus that stares back at me. I loved you Severus, you just never understood how much."

That took all the angry energy away from him. He seemed deflated and lost as he walked over to the sofa and sat down. She softly sat down on the other end of the sofa and pulled up her knees, hugging them. 

"I just never felt worthy. I doubt I ever will," he whispered. She was fooling herself; he knew it and he was being fooled with her. She could not accept him like this. "But do not doubt my love." 

"It wasn't enough, was it?" she replied, refusing to look at him.

"On the contrary," he said, catching her eyes and holding them. It angered him that she would think of his love like that. His love was all he had that meant something, the only thing that could redeem him. "I was branded, the summer after the sixth year. They would have killed you. I couldn't draw you into it." he confessed. "I killed that summer, Lily. I couldn't touch you with those hands."

She had nothing to say. She didn't understand. But how could she ask why? Where was the point? A few hours, even minutes, ago she would have given anything to know, but now she felt like it just didn't matter anymore. The answer wouldn't change anything. He was sitting next to her and that was what mattered.

"Potter?" he said, interrupting her thoughts. She looked at him with confusion but then saw that his gaze was on her wedding ring.

"Yes." She sighed, "He supported me a lot after you left. He was very patient and loving. He became a large part of my life, to the point that I grew very fond of him and realized how much I needed him."

Severus didn't want to hear this. He could have cheerfully strangled Potter at that moment. He hated him more than ever, seeing the look in Lily's eyes. And he hated himself even more. He had no right to be jealous. It was his fault, all his fault. "I'm… glad, someone was… there for you," he forced out.

His breath hitched when Lily reached out and took his hand in hers. "I wish I could love him like he loves me," she said, her eyes seeming too big for her face. Finally saying out loud the thought that had plagued her ever since she had uttered her wedding vows.  

"You don't… love him?" he asked, shamelessly hopeful.

"I would not have stayed here this long if I did, Severus. I would have been happy for you because you came back and that would have been it," she answered. "Don't mistake me, he means a lot to me. But…" she paused and then sighed. "Severus."

He couldn't take it anymore. This was a dream; was she saying what he thought she was saying? Months, years of keeping himself in check, schooling every reaction, wearing all those masks; all that tension and all the despair, it just seemed to burst inside of him at that moment. There was no coherent thought except one name that he kept whispering like a mantra in his head. "Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily…" 

Skin met skin and she was in his arms. She was lost; there was nothing but him, and only him at that moment. Together. He carried her to his bedroom; buttons, there were too many buttons. He could feel her; she was for real. He was drunk on her scent; he wanted to hold her until there was no her and him but only them, together as one. For that moment alone, he would live a thousand lifetimes in hell, in torment. He felt worthy; he felt her love. She looked at him, strands of her red hair stuck to her forehead and neck with their sweat.

She looked at him and said, "Remember us, Severus. Remember us like this; in love and as one." She was crying; he kissed her tears away, not realizing that he was crying, too.  

**A/N: This isn't the end; there is one more chapter to go. Yes, it is sappy, and yes, there is no real smut to make up for it. It seems to me that I am writing this for myself, more than for posting it online. This is just the way this story is coming out; I can't seem to edit it to be less intense. I just hope you like it.**

Please review and let me know what you think.


	5. Chapter5

**Disclaimer: **The usual stuff. Not mine. JKR's. blahblahblah. 

**A/N: **This story is turning out to be a lot longer than I had planned. There are at least two more chapters to go. But I like this chapter. I think it is the best so far. I wish that was saying something. 

Oh, and not beta-read. I'm just too impatient- once I get a chapter done; I want to post it right away. I hope I caught all my mistakes. I try to proof-read a lot. I'm open to all advice/criticism on the story, though. 

So, please review!

**The Farewell**

By Coesius

**Chapter-5**

He found himself standing by the window, his forehead leaning on the cold glass, gazing at the street below. His shoulders shuddered for a moment; a tremor passing through his body, down his spine- and it had nothing to do with the cold. Flung across the room in a dusty corner were a white mask and a dark cloak. 

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He woke up to find a pair of large green eyes watching him. She was looking up at him through wild red curls, propped up on her elbows with her chin resting on the palms of her hands. 

"Good morning," he whispered, fighting the urge to cover himself up with the sheets. 

There hadn't been much time for any thought last night but he felt his insecurities creep up on him in the morning light as he gazed down on his chest. The random network of scars, old and new, flashed white against his already pale skin despite the light dusting of black hair. 

Lily followed his eyes, frowned softly and then laid her head back on his chest, her hand tracing the rough lines on his skin. Severus shifted uncomfortably and said, "They won't heal. They're magical and you know how magical scars- especially those from dark curses-" He stopped and drew in a shaky breath as he felt her lips on his chest.

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He almost crumbled down on the wet pavement as soon as he appeared in the dark alley, out of thin air, as it would seem to an outsider. But he didn't think he'd find muggles wandering around at this ungodly hour, especially in this particular part of the city. He leaned on a dirty wall and wiped his forehead to get rid of the hot sweat trickling down his hairline. He cursed in a raspy voice when he saw the redness on the back of his hand. Cruciatus he could deal with but an open wound presented new problems. Apparently it was deep enough that the bleeding hadn't stopped even after the time he had spent lying in the middle of the opening, trying to get his bearings long after the Dark Lord and his cohorts had disapparated. He couldn't risk an infection- he had to get to his flat soon and right now it seemed farther than he could walk. He cursed the Apparition wards he had set up around the apartment. If only he hadn't had to disapparate, he wouldn't be this drained. 

Maybe if he could somehow send a message to Lily. She had insisted on waiting for him back in his place. "Sure, Severus, we'll just send an owl to her," he thought, snorting to himself. The effect was somehow ruined when he felt blood trickling down his nose, too. It seemed that his nose was broken. Once again, like it wasn't crooked enough. He was sure _that_ had been Malfoy. Bloody bastard with his prefect little French nose.        

He pushed himself away from the wall and started walking with shaky steps. 

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"I need to go, now," she said.

"I know."

There was a tense silence and she disentangled herself from his embrace, sitting on the edge of the bed. Looking back over her shoulder, she saw him lying on his back, stubbornly staring at the ceiling. 

"Severus," she called, "Severus." But he didn't look at her. She sighed, pulled her legs back up on the bed and crawled over to him. Then she sat on his hips, straddling him. Wiggling seductively, she leant down and gave him a kiss. "When can I drop by again?"

She'd had his attention from the moment she had touched him again but now, he couldn't help the slight widening of his eyes as he stared at her incredulously.

"Surely you don't mean to continue this? I am a spy- I can't afford to be with anyone much less a Mud- Muggleborn," She frowned slightly at his slip and he continued apologetically, "It's just habit- you know I don't care for that stuff. Never did- not even when… Not even when I wasn't a spy."

"It's okay."

"No- no, it's not. I mean, even Dumbledore can't know about us. Plus what about Potter?" he asked. 

"You sound as if you don't want to see me again."

"Lily," he said. "Lily, come here."

****

His body screamed in protest as Severus slowly got up. He had simply thrown himself down on his bed as soon as he had stumbled in last night. After downing a considerable amount of painkillers and some healing draughts, of course. If he had had enough strength, he now realized that a shower would have been a good idea as well. His sheets were sticky and stained where he had collapsed and his robes seemed as if they were stuck to his skin permanently. He was surprised to find though, that he _had_ had enough of a mind to take off his cloak and mask. He saw them on the floor in the corner of the bedroom but couldn't bring himself to pick them up yet. They'd have to stay there for a day or two until last night's memories faded a little.

Lily hadn't been waiting for him last night after all. He knew he shouldn't be disappointed. He could hardly have expected her to stay for as long she had anyway. She had been bound to come to her senses and go back to Potter. Obviously she had finally seen how tainted he was when the Dark Mark on his arm had flared up. He doubted he would ever see her again. How that idea could physically hurt more than the leftovers of yesterday's torture session, he couldn't fathom.

****     

_Love, _

J sent an owl; apparently he's on his way back from Scotland. Turns out he finished his business there faster than he thought he would. I've got to go. Please send me an owl when you return. I'll try to see you as soon as I can. Be safe, please be safe. 

_Yours,_

_L   _

He held the note almost reverently. He knew he should burn it; if found, it could cost him his life and maybe even hers. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. "Love," she had written. He read the first line again. Love. He put the note in an obscure ancient Potions tome. Love.

****

He immediately spotted her fiery hair whipping about her. She drew up the hood of her muggle coat that had fallen back in the wind and continued her determined walk up the narrow street. Occasionally she'd cast a furtive glance about her, notable only by the slight turn of her head. She glanced up for a moment and their eyes met. Her steps grew more hurried as she approached the building. Soon, he couldn't see her anymore. A few seconds later, the doorbell sounded in the dark flat. He turned on the lights and opened the door. 

**A/N:** Getting the replies to my college applications on the first week of April. Wish me luck. Maybe I'll get into Yale or Barnard. As if. 


End file.
